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DEMOCRATS
FOR JOHN MCCAIN
Please visit http://blog.demsforjohnmccain.com to comment. Please note that I am fed up with Obamabot hate-blog tactics, so any comment must be approved by me before it is posted. Since I work, this usually means in the evenings. Sorry folks, just like the DNC, this ain't no democracy.
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| Obama's Historic Campaign Move | |
| Chicago (AP). Riding the wave of his unprecedented
foregoing of public campaign financing in the general election, Barack
Hussein Obama has decided to break with tradition and endorse John
McCain for president. Obama returned a call to the Alternative
Press about this unusual campaign move. Said Obama, "Hurt me in the
general election? I don't think so. My supporters are used to
my voting against their wishes. Just look at my position on NAFTA
and my vote for the FISA bill to give telecom immunity for wiretapping.
I'm just doing this to win over PUMA (Party Unity My A**, former Clinton
supporters...PUMA story will follow later) voters and moderates.
Nothing will bring them to my camp quicker than endorsing McCain."
The turn of events has sparked a new scientific investigation about possible flashback effects of cocaine use earlier in life. The chief scientific consultant for the AP went on record saying, "When you hear something this ridiculous, you have to wonder about any possible connection with Obama's admitted cocaine use earlier in life. What he said is just beyond comprehension -- everyone knows Obama didn't actually have a position on NAFTA." A hastily called second press conference later that day (now becoming so commonplace in the Obama camp that they have started giving AP reporters two separate times each day a press conference is called) attempted to quiet the controversy caused by the endorsement. The highlight of the second conference was Obama's assertion that, as someone who has tried cocaine, he promised to deliver a 30% increase in turnout of the drug-user vote. "This is a constituency that has been ignored in other campaigns. I'm not sure what all the fuss is about. Months ago, I told Dean (DNC chairman and Obama lackey) and Pelosi (chronic source of poor judgment in the US House of Representatives) I could give the same bump in the African American vote and they lapped it up as an election strategy. It's all about change, baby, change. Drug users wouldn't dare vote for McCain considering my past. Besides, I have a plan B. If they start endorsing McCain, I'll sponsor my first bill in the Senate to only count their votes as a half vote." While the effect on the general public and PUMAs is unknown at the moment, the Alternative Press is maintaining its endorsement of Sen. John McCain. While agreeing in principle on the importance of giving representation to all voters, the AP maintains the principle of "country before party". The half vote proposal would set voter rights back a hundred years.
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| Trinity Church Plans for Faith Based Social Services | |
| Despite the election being months
away, the Alternative Press has gotten wind of plans from Trinity Church
in Chicago. As you recall, Trinity Church was where Jeremiah Wright,
of the infamous "God D@#* America" rant that made its way around the
internet, preached and Obama was a church member for 17 years under him.
Anticipating an Obama win in the general election, Trinity Church has started making signs for their church hall. The signs read: "GOD D@#* AMERICA. AND HERE'S YOUR GOD-D@#*ED GOVERNMENT CHEESE SANDWICH."
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| Democratic Convention Not Looking So "Sweet" | |
| .
Denver (AP) July 10, 2008 Frustrated at the near-nonexistent
funds available to host their convention in Denver, Democratic leaders
reached out weeks ago to Barack Hussein Obama for assistance in
funding. Obama, upset at being delayed for a pick-up game of hoops
which meant he wouldn't be a captain and he'd be picked last
again, brushed the Democratic leadership off, "Come on guys, do what I
do. Send people an email asking them to hold a bake sale and donate
$5. Or call Kerry and ask him for help. He's done this before."
The
Democrats contacted John Kerry's office but were told that Kerry can
offer no help at this time. A Kerry spokesperson said, "Help with the
convention funding? Are you crazy? Thanks to our endorsement
of Obama we've got this (expletive deleted) nuisance Ed O'Reilly to deal
with now in the election. We could have used
Obama's help getting O'Reilly's name thrown off the ballot like Obama
did to get into the Illinois Senate, but where was Obama then? He's on
his own for the convention."
As a result
of the Kerry team's response, the Democratic leadership has spent the
last few weeks conducting an email blitz to Democratic donors requesting
$5 donations and bake sales. Democrats happily reported that they have
raised $15.00 from the email campaign and that they
have been sent over 200,000 dozen unsold cookies and pastries.
At a jubilant press conference, a Democratic spokesperson said, "All our
problems are solved. We've organically frozen the cookies and pastries,
so now we have plenty of food for the convention. No other food vendors
are necessary, so we're saving millions. It goes to show you - never
underestimate the power of our party faithful to fail, even with
a bake sale. But we've turned their lemons into our lemonade, and the
convention now will have food even if
it is just dessert."
In a
remarkable show of benevolence, the PUMA
organization has reportedly donated a few loaves and fishes to
the convention effort. In a surprisingly sarcastic public statement, a
PUMA spokesperson was quoted as saying, "After becoming the
presumptive nominee by losing the popular vote, we're sure Sen. Obama
will have no problem working some miracle and feeding the 75,000
that the stadium holds with our donation. "
The spokesperson then turned serious, "The real bright
side of these new food plans is that it ensures Donna Brazille will
be too busy at the buffet table to cause any problems for PUMA
protesters."
Expecting
the worst from this effort, the Alternative Press is encouraging all
diabetics who plan on attending the convention to skip
the opening events and queue for one of the five fish sandwiches
expected to be available. A call was made to the DNC for clarification
on rationing the fish sandwiches. Specifically, the AP wanted to know
if one of the people first in line was from Florida or Michigan, would
they get a whole fish sandwich or just half? At press time, calls have
been unreturned.
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